Science

Science by Chester D.

WARNING: 1x2, Heero POV, lemon.

I am logical.

I am plain.

I speak only when I have something important to say and don’t bother wasting my breath. I waste nothing. Every ounce of my body is a finely tuned machine, effective, efficient, and able to carry out things that the average human could not even dream of.

I am perhaps the greatest end result to ever come out of science.

So why did he have to come in a throw a wrench into my mechanics? He had no business with me, and yet I knew deep within my cold, black heart that his confessions were not in vain. I did not react externally when he told me he loved me, but inside I was screaming, not knowing how to respond. So I responded in a sort of animalistic reflex: I slapped him. I slapped him so hard he was bleeding. I told him there was no way, in any certain terms or otherwise, that we would ever be a possibility. It was not listed in my mission statement, and I am my mission. Were were two separate ideas, he and I, and I wanted him to look at the reality of the situation. He needed to see that I was a machine without a heart, and that I could never love him back. Even if I wanted to.

Making two possibilities a reality, predicting the future of things we all know...

We were both impossibilities. It was just wrong. Two magnets of the same polarity repel each other. Two batteries don’t make a connection if they join at the minus. No instances of that in nature. It goes against it. Humans are the only species known to be homosexual for no reason.

Funny.

We’re also the only creatures that love.

Fighting off the diseased programming of centuries, centuries, centuries, centuries...

I wasn’t taught; I was programmed. I didn’t learn; I was plugged into a knowledge that was anything but human, anything but my own. Recollections of what little love I once felt in my life, what little emotions I had before losing them all... were a vague and dusty memory. I was dead.

Or I was never human to begin with.

Science fails to recognise the single most important element of human existence...

What is love? Is it something that science can explain? How does it feel? How do you know when you’re in love? There are so many questions that I was not programmed to automatically understand, and it frustrates me so much I lie awake in bed, unable to sleep. Lack of knowledge kills me. I must know everything. It’s the ones who don’t that end up in the gutter the next morning, face down on cold wet newspapers.

Science can explain it. Science can explain damn near everything I live for, what I do, how I do it, and why I do it. Why did I lie to myself? Why did I become so disillusioned with the tale of emotions, fighting with emotions, and why did I pollute Trowa with those thoughts? There is only one explanation: I am defective.

I am flawed.

I have a virus that has infected my system and is slowly tearing me apart and shutting down my mainframe, eating away at all logical sense and the years and years of training that I so meticulously and painfully had to endure. Those files I had stored away were being burned, and smoke was the only memory I have of them.

That virus has a name, and it is Duo.

Slowly I began to realise that I was indeed, and unluckily enough, human. However, I remained convinced that my mind was not; it was something like an organic computer, wasting no important space on idiotic and senseless things like empathy and compassion.

I cut myself several times in my past, just to watch myself bleed and assure myself that yes, I was human. Red oil. Like the fuel pumped through the veins of Wing Zero. What came first, man or machine? Why have we made machines so much like ourselves, or is that just a coincidence? Either way, science, for once in my life, has failed to give me an explanation. It has failed to give me a reason why after I slapped Duo, I kissed him. Without remorse.

Science has failed our world, science has failed our mother earth...

Science died that night for me, for both of us possibly. Duo was so human. He was so alive and warm and living... I was curious like a little child. I had to know about this, for I had to know everything. It was in my programming. Omnipotence or obscurity. Nothing could stop me, not even Duo, the human that somehow had hacked into my heart with a billion gigabytes of pure passion and installed it into my operating system. He had to pay for what he did to me.

I want to kill him. The computer in me said quietly.

I want to make love to him. The human in me screamed as loud as it possibly could.

Spirit moves through all things.

There. I put my hands on him. He smiles.

I push him onto the bed where he lays passively, willingly giving his body to me. I fall onto him and he holds me. I rip his clothes off and he kisses me. I do not understand.

I grope him roughly, he sighs in pleasure. Why does it not hurt him? Why won’t he show how painful this is? He knows it hurts. Why won’t he show it? I want him to show it.

I plunge my erection into a place it was never meant to be, and he cried out. Ah. So it does hurt, now doesn’t it? I smile sadistically, then freeze as he wraps his arms over my shoulders and rubs his cheek against mine. Affection. He likes being hurt?

I pull out and thrust back in. Not pain. This is pleasure. He likes it. There are anatomical reasons, that I am sure of, but he’s bleeding now. Blood means pain. He has got to be hurting, I just know he does. Somewhere.

My frustration builds to the point of overflowing. Why is he not weeping in pain?

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding is faith, faith, faith, faith...

Aha. I see tears now... but he is smiling through them. And kissing my face. The corner of my mouth, my forehead, my eyelashes. I am assaulted by his kisses and I clench my teeth in anger, letting go of everything. Letting go of science and what it has done to me. Letting go of yesterday.

Just.

Letting.

Go.

Letting the reigns go to the unfolding is faith, faith, faith, faith...

I shatter. I break apart, I go to pieces. I begin to sob as I feel years of logic suddenly leave, replaced by sweet mystery. And somehow, I want it. I need it. I love it.

I kiss him back. I kiss him and forget all about hurting him; I don’t want to hurt him. I love him. At least, I think this is what I’m feeling. I hope to God this is what I’m feeling because if it’s not... I don’t think I want to be alive anymore.

Duo moans softly and runs a hand through my hair. I can feel the love radiating, flowing from his fingertips and sinking into my head. My heart is bursting. So this is what people live for. This is what people die for. This! This which I feel within me for the first time... I suddenly don’t care about anything else in the world. Except Duo.

Science has failed our world..

Fuck science; it doesn’t follow the rules of love.

Science has failed our mother earth...

Fuck nature; it doesn’t know what love is- it’s for the animals. Fuck tradition; love knows no boundaries. Fuck this whole world; I know I am right. I have the answer to everything, and it’s lying here in my arms.

Spirit moves through all things.

There is blood, the spirit of the human soul, the symbol of life. There is semen, the spirit of love and passion, the symbol of creation. I spilled both that night. I wasted my precious resources without a care in the world.

World?

Ha. What world? It was only Duo and me, that was my world. He was my world now. He was my reason, my purpose, my excuse, my sake, my lie, my objective, my argument, my sanity and my heart. He was everything to me.

I couldn’t stop touching him. I wanted to feel him, learn every contour of his body, memorise it. So I could remember him without looking, when he would leave my side in a little while. I don’t think I could stand being without him.

I spoke. But I didn’t waste my breath.

“I love you.”

He didn’t have to say anything; the look on his face replied to me the words he wanted to say, and tears filled his eyes. No pain. No pain, Duo. Here-- I’ll kiss you. Just stop crying.

There. That’s it. No more tears. I kissed them off of your pretty face. Why do you look at me like that? Can you not believe that this is Heero Yuy? I can’t, and that’s who I am. At least... it’s who I was.

Spirit moves through all things.

I close my eyes and lay my head on the pillow next to him. I listen to him breathe. My heart has become a breeze, and it moves through all things. My mind has become a breeze, and it moves through all things. My spirit has become a breeze, and it moves through all things.

It moves... through all things.

Science has failed our mother earth.

The day that science failed... was the day that I came back to life.

Owari